Saturday, January 27, 2007

how to be contemporary

sit at a table.the table should be facing the wall. on the wall put a calendar.put a glass of water on this table. also you should place a piece of tape on the table and a pen.look at the calendar that is in front of you and over the table. pick up the pen and write something about the content of the glass on the tape that is on the table. you can begin by writing water.then take the pen and mark the date that you have written the word water on the tape that is now taped in front of the glass. stand up from the desk and go to the phone. call a critic. preferably an art critic. if u cant find an art critic then any other critic will do. invite the critic to your room. once you have done this then leave the room, lock the door and stand in the hall and wait for the critic to arrive. once the critic arrives, open the door and let him/her into the room. you will notice that theu will look at the glass and at the tape with the word water written on it. plan to have some time since this viewing might take awhile. at some point the critic will leave. remember to lock the door behind them. once the door is locked you should go to your desk and sit down. remove the tape and cut a new piece of tape. pick up the pen and write a new word. let us say: milk. you should then repeat the above described process(mark the calendar/tape the tape infront of the glass/call the critic etc..)
this process can be continued ad infinitum
you will be contemporary in many ways
you will be a post-constructivist
you will belong to the next wave arte povera movement
you will belong to the neo fluxus movement
the possibilities are endless

note 1: once the water has evaporated you will , most likely, be a genius.
most likely you will be categorized amongst other conceptualists, but a genius none the less.

note 2:if the directions described above are followed exactly and to the point-then there is even the possiblity that a new term will be devised for your work. you will then be contemporary forever


Anonymous rainman said...


8:44 PM  
Anonymous comfortably numb said...

you are bored. call a critic, preferably an art critic. answer the door, invite them in, lock the door behind them. offer them a glass of water or a glass of milk or whatever other objects you might have managed to label as such in your ad infinitum contemporary art loop. pretend to listen to their comments. pretend you appreciate criticism. pretend you like what you do. pretend what you do is important for personal reasons. answer not the details of your purposeful creations. draw back a little. be prepared, this might shake you up a little. go in the kitchen. get a knife, preferably a kitchen knife. call your mum, leave not a message on her machine, allow her to feel your breath for a second. call your neighboor-the librarian, ask her to feed the cat while you're gone. you're going on a trip, you say. bite you tongue. return to the critic, holding the knife behind your back. ask them to sit down if they're standing. hold the knife in front of them, just to scare them a little. pass them a pen, a piece of tape, the calendar using your other hand. ask them to take a note: "Art master". stick it on your chest. use your smile to calm them down. bring your knife to the for and stab yourself in the heart.

then you would have commited suicide. you will have delivered your magnus opus.
you will have given the critic the opportunity to join-in your art movement, opening-up your work, shedding light on the dark corners of melancholy. you would have established value add for your other works, and a couple of dates in a rt history books.

do that and you'll never be sorry again.

10:09 AM  
Anonymous ilias said...

I transcript from the ''manifesto'' of Alexei Shulgin (a net artist).
''how to...''

2. Interface with Institutions: The Cultural Loop

a. Work outside the institution
b. Claim that the institution is evil
c. Challenge the institution
d. Subvert the institution
e. Make yourself into an institution
f. Attract the attention of the institution
g. Rethink the institution
h. Work inside the institution

2:09 PM  

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